Life: The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful

I've been thinking a lot about this blog. How to organize my thoughts, how to "say" what I wanted. I originally thought I would make a compare and contrast list. Things my life is vs. Things my life isn't. When I started writing, it became something else. More Compare/Contrast with the Good and Bad parts of my life and how both are beautiful. The Good gives me hope, but the bad keeps me trusting in Him. The "bad" keeps me relying and seeking him. I realize that my bad right now feels much more than it actually is. We aren't really struggling THAT bad. Though we are struggling. I don't want this blog to be a sugar coated thing. Life sometimes sucks and that's actually OK. It's OK mostly because it means I have a lot to vent to my husband and my God and thus bring us all together. Sometimes crying, sometimes kneeling. But hopefully always honest.  So here is my list. It's an ever changing thing but it's a list to show me how God is growing me in this journey. 

• I’m not afraid of where I live. I feel safe and secure actually. This is a big deal because I live in the city of Baltimore. I thought I would be unsafe much less feel unsafe. We're on a fairly quiet street that isn't busy. It's a quiet apartment building. 
• For the most part. I am stressed quickly about little things that feel big. I find myself at my "snapping point" much much much quicker than most of my parenting years. With my children running in opposite directions sometimes towards the street. It makes me edgy and yeah I yell at them to obey and come. And sometimes a spanking or denial of freedoms commence. 
• I have literally had this sick feeling in my stomach for the past month and a half. Usually brought on by stress. For some examples: neighbor’s banging on their ceiling b-c my kids are stepping too loudly, kids’ tantrums being fully in swing which result in them THROWING items or themselves down hard on the floor,  teaching Shane to “sneak” or “walk quietly” in the apartment, nighttime weaning’s for Kat=lots of crying for about a week. 
• So there's been a lot of acting out on my kids part. There's been reacting on my part. Luckily there has also been a revelation that it's I who needs to change in this equation. Yeah discipline is important, but reactionary disciplining is not effective. So now I am seeing where quality play time with my kids is what is lacking. It's preventive sometimes. and though there are tantrums that still happen. And discipline still happens as a result. It feels less because I am finding freedom as a parent to have fun with them and let the house go some... which leads to... 
• I am learning to “be”, not “do”. To stop stressing about having a perfectly clean house and actually sit with my kids and read them a story, build a tower out of blocks, walk to the park. So yeah my kitchen isn’t always clean, and I don’t make my bed most days, the floor is a guaranteed mess (*which also can cause me stress if I let it.) But freedom in living life with my little ones has helped me let go. In those mothering moments where I feel crazy and want to pull my hair out. It’s those moments my kids need quality time with me.  I am learning to sacrifice a little peace in my life for their fun. 
• In the moments where stress overtakes me well sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream unnecessarily at my children, and sometimes I check out and don’t deal. I'm in a new city and I miss my friends and my comfort of suburban living. I do. I'm lonely. I realize it. I tend to go slightly more "into" my head during major change. I also think it's how I process. It's how I learn or grow in this shift. 
• This "bad" has been the best thing for me and my husband. We have felt this desperation for God that has pulled us in closer to our Father. We have decided to spend time talking to God TOGETHER. Sitting down and taking time each night to pray with my husband has made each stressful moment worth it. Because pain drives us to Christ and now we are finally doing something that I have wished for since the early parts of our marriage. So, thank you Jesus for this painful time that drives us to you. 
• Lastly, this song. The beautiful. These lyrics have been life giving, truth speaking, and hopeful to me in the crazy moments of life. “You have called me higher, you have called me deeper, I will go where you lead me”…For me and my family it's here. It's Baltimore. Now all he wants is for me to continue to trust him. **As I was writing my thoughts from the past couple weeks I was listening to this song and it brought me to tears yet again. "I could hold onto who I am and never let you change me from the inside", "I could just stay right here and hope to feel you, hope to feel something again." I resonate with these words more than I realized.**

Called me Higher---All Sons and Daughters

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness
Hope to feel Your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me

And I will be Yours, oh
I will be Yours for all my life
So let Your mercy light the path before me

Cause You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
[x4]

Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord

The Pendulum Swings...

When I was younger I always thought of myself as an extrovert. After all I loved people and was always very social. As I've gotten older I have become more introverted. I think I have come to learn that I need time to process and have time to myself so I can think and be.

During my teenage and college years I remember having inner battles where my 'introvert self' and my 'extrovert self' would fight with each other. Mostly whichever won I felt at a loss. It was as if I couldn't be free in either place, in either part of me. It's really nice too look back on those times and think, "I'm glad I'm over that!"  I still find myself in times where the pendulum of my extrovert swings toward the introvert side and I'm okay with that. It mostly amounts to how much energy I have, especially with new people I either have just met or strangers I haven't  met at all.   I like being able to swing from one side to the other. It's  interesting to me right now to see the pendulum swing from extrovert back to introvert as I move states away from my old home and my dear friends that I have taken time to get to know over the years.
Much of me is feeling this loss. Much of me is still grieving and processing this change. And whatever emotions I have left I spend with my 2 little ones who can go through the gamut of emotions sometimes in a 5 minute period or less!

Phew thank God He never changes---that I can depend on him in the good and the bad times. Thank God he is here with me during this transition and that it doesn't need to take work just to chat, to sit and listen to him. If only I would. So I am going to commit for this summer to 5 minutes a day set aside for him (hopefully it will spread to much more) . I am going to give God 5 minutes with no distractions: to simply stop, be still and listen. 5 minutes of my day not filled with an agenda or something to "do" but to rest, to turn to him and be. I thank my sister for the inspiration for this. She gave me a bookmark (I think from a recent study she heard from her church. (I linked pics of the bookmark on the bottom of this post)
Here is the poem from the back:

Let Your God Love You
      Edwina Gately

Be still.
Be silent.
Alone.
Empty.
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God
look upon you.
That is all.
God knows.
God understands.
God loves you
with an enormous
love,
And only wants
To look upon you
with that love.
Quiet.
Still.
Be.

Let your God-
Love you.

I wonder if you too can try this. Just take 5 minutes of your day. It may be in the morning while you drink coffee before the family arises. Or at night while they sleep, or during nap time... To me as a mom with two young kids, 5 minutes is doable, even exciting! 5 minutes with no agenda simply to "be" with my Jesus. To refresh. To listen. Ahhh. can't wait!! Who wants to try this with me this summer and hopefully beyond??

Adventures in the City...

I have to say life as a mom of 2 little ones is always an adventure--some fun, some challenging. Life as a mom in the CITY however sometimes feels like trying to catch a fly with chopsticks while riding a bike.
Funny stories from this past week:

• I went to meet up with a friend at a new park which was about 10 miles away--that means it took closer to 25/30 minutes to get there--for you non-city drivers there are lots of stops...However, on the way, I'm sitting at the light and notice that no one in front of me moves when the light turns green. I wait. There are 2 cars in front of me. I stay stopped behind them, not sure why I'm not bothered except I was getting my bearings, looking at my directions and making sure I knew the next road to turn on. The light cycles back to red. The 2 cars in front of me stay stationary and I'm just "going with it". When the light turns green again and there is still no movement, THAT was the moment I started to question if I was in the traffic lane. So I go around the cars and discover they were in fact parked! I'm just glad I didn't wait around for 2 full traffic cycles. As the light began to turn yellow I zoomed through the intersection---phew!
• Another adventure was getting to the Library~I walked using the double stroller (it's about 1.5 miles away--I think?). I learned from this walk I desperately need 2 things: 1. A coffee mug that actually closes. 2. A holder for said coffee mug. It's amazing to me the amount of times I spilled my coffee. I finally gave up and put it in the pocket on the side of my backpack. And promptly forgot about it. *(will come back to this...). When we arrived at the library our stroller was about a half an inch too wide to walk through the door. 2 doors made me hopeful. One door locked, one door too small...oy---some awkward maneuvering and sideways motions later and we're in. Both kids in tact and still in the stroller. The story time was amazing! It was mostly for little ones but still very interactive--with chants and songs and fun motions. Kat was in heaven! (She loves music and dancing!). Several times during the songs she just clapped and clapped out of shear enjoyment. And then would turn around and give me a smile and a hug. My Sweet one. Leaving  the library however was not quite a smoothly. The awkward maneuvering and sideways twist was not working. Fortunately the librarian rescued us and unlocked the 2nd door. While I was locking the door back, things really got crazy. I let go of the stroller and turned my back---focused on the door. Meanwhile, my kids went rolling down the slight hill toward the very busy street! I turned when I noticed and ran after them---luckily they were at an angle and hit the corner of the library first. Unfortunately Shane's ankle also hit the brick corner. :(. (He's fine BTW--no damage done!). As I leaned over to kiss his sweet ankle to "make it better", there went my coffee! All over my shirt and onto my right foot and flip-flop. Sigh. At least the experience of getting out to the library was well worth it.
• Some of the challenges this week---The morning I was potty training my son and allowing   him to sit on the potty while he watched the Elmo DVD on potty training. I received a knock on the door. 12:30pm. It was my downstairs neighbor asking me to please "control my son" because his wife needed to go to work in a few hours and needed sleep. I of course responded with "I will do my best" and apologized...then after he left realized how offended I was. "Control my son"!?!?! Really? They have commented in the past that he sounds like a "rhinoceros". Their words not mine. It's one thing to teach my son not to gallop/stomp/ run in the apartment. It's a whole other thing to teach him not to move. This is what I feel like they are asking me. Unfortunately we live in an old building. We have hard wood floors. This means noise will flow very easily down and all around. Oy. It also means that I am at the point to no longer "try". That I should start letting Shane and Kat have fun whenever they want :/  My compromise so far has been to take them out. Walk to the park, walk to Liam's, go to an indoor playground. Go to a place where they have freedom to slide and run and stomp and play. I do this as much as possible.  **Sorry for the vent here, but it has been weighing very heavily on my heart this week and it needed to come out. Thanks for bearing with me. 

Figuring out this Life in the city/ apartment living has been difficult at times. I am still figuring out how to "be" in the newness. How to find peace and freedom. Luckily I am sustained daily with what I need, and I do have a supportive husband who is watching the kids while I sit at Starbucks and write. Again I am finding that with every struggle and tough adventure, I discover my NEED for him, a CRY for him that makes me grateful and happy for the struggle because it means I get more of Jesus.

New Home...in part...

Everyone keeps saying how impressed they are with how much I've done with our place...how much I've unpacked etc... I think what it comes down to is how important it was for me to feel secure and "normal" or at least having my special things out makes me feel more complete! It may seem superficial, but for me it was essential. Especially with all the changes our family has undergone with this move, it's closure in a lot of ways!

I still have waves of emotions, and times when I miss my old life. But I am beginning to really love it here. One small step at a time. Next week I will hopefully have some pictures up of our pretty walk to the park! So far it is my favorite street in the city, and it's a block away from me!!

Here is a set of pictures I took of our place. 

Yesterday---I made this curtain for my kitchen---Any ideas on what to do with the extra fabric scraps? 

Exploration in Progress

The house is "done". For the most part. The kids are coping. They really seem fine for the most part, just really love challenging the limits!

 I am still processing...there is still a lot to take in. I'm new to this blog thing and this post is generally me playing with how it works. 

Love, Baltimore is how God has been preparing my heart for this new thing. We basically have made this move because we felt God telling us to. In part practically through a job opportunity. In other part seeking out community living with good friends up here--we're being intentional about eating meals together and sharing a washer & dryer etc. 
It has taken me years to get here. To the place of being able to share my life openly. To the place of being willing to have community living. To the place of letting go of my comfortable suburban house and moving to the City of Baltimore, in an apartment. On the third floor with 2 little ones. It's a journey I am still on, it's an adventure that has ups and downs as I grieve my other life, as I had to say goodbye to many dear dear friends. The comfort I find in this is we are following God. And he is bigger. Much bigger than it all!

I may tell the story from years ago, I may tell it from now. It's my "Getting Out of the Boat" story. Getting to the place where I can let go, and give him everything. HA! It's still a theory and I have a lot to go! I am learning how to hold my life with open hands. Learning to be transformed. Learning to abide. 

I feel certain many will be confused by this blog and I probably will be all over the place *as is my Random Brain, much more scattered these days by my mom mentality with little ones. But oh well...it's mostly for me anyways!