Life: The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful

I've been thinking a lot about this blog. How to organize my thoughts, how to "say" what I wanted. I originally thought I would make a compare and contrast list. Things my life is vs. Things my life isn't. When I started writing, it became something else. More Compare/Contrast with the Good and Bad parts of my life and how both are beautiful. The Good gives me hope, but the bad keeps me trusting in Him. The "bad" keeps me relying and seeking him. I realize that my bad right now feels much more than it actually is. We aren't really struggling THAT bad. Though we are struggling. I don't want this blog to be a sugar coated thing. Life sometimes sucks and that's actually OK. It's OK mostly because it means I have a lot to vent to my husband and my God and thus bring us all together. Sometimes crying, sometimes kneeling. But hopefully always honest.  So here is my list. It's an ever changing thing but it's a list to show me how God is growing me in this journey. 

• I’m not afraid of where I live. I feel safe and secure actually. This is a big deal because I live in the city of Baltimore. I thought I would be unsafe much less feel unsafe. We're on a fairly quiet street that isn't busy. It's a quiet apartment building. 
• For the most part. I am stressed quickly about little things that feel big. I find myself at my "snapping point" much much much quicker than most of my parenting years. With my children running in opposite directions sometimes towards the street. It makes me edgy and yeah I yell at them to obey and come. And sometimes a spanking or denial of freedoms commence. 
• I have literally had this sick feeling in my stomach for the past month and a half. Usually brought on by stress. For some examples: neighbor’s banging on their ceiling b-c my kids are stepping too loudly, kids’ tantrums being fully in swing which result in them THROWING items or themselves down hard on the floor,  teaching Shane to “sneak” or “walk quietly” in the apartment, nighttime weaning’s for Kat=lots of crying for about a week. 
• So there's been a lot of acting out on my kids part. There's been reacting on my part. Luckily there has also been a revelation that it's I who needs to change in this equation. Yeah discipline is important, but reactionary disciplining is not effective. So now I am seeing where quality play time with my kids is what is lacking. It's preventive sometimes. and though there are tantrums that still happen. And discipline still happens as a result. It feels less because I am finding freedom as a parent to have fun with them and let the house go some... which leads to... 
• I am learning to “be”, not “do”. To stop stressing about having a perfectly clean house and actually sit with my kids and read them a story, build a tower out of blocks, walk to the park. So yeah my kitchen isn’t always clean, and I don’t make my bed most days, the floor is a guaranteed mess (*which also can cause me stress if I let it.) But freedom in living life with my little ones has helped me let go. In those mothering moments where I feel crazy and want to pull my hair out. It’s those moments my kids need quality time with me.  I am learning to sacrifice a little peace in my life for their fun. 
• In the moments where stress overtakes me well sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream unnecessarily at my children, and sometimes I check out and don’t deal. I'm in a new city and I miss my friends and my comfort of suburban living. I do. I'm lonely. I realize it. I tend to go slightly more "into" my head during major change. I also think it's how I process. It's how I learn or grow in this shift. 
• This "bad" has been the best thing for me and my husband. We have felt this desperation for God that has pulled us in closer to our Father. We have decided to spend time talking to God TOGETHER. Sitting down and taking time each night to pray with my husband has made each stressful moment worth it. Because pain drives us to Christ and now we are finally doing something that I have wished for since the early parts of our marriage. So, thank you Jesus for this painful time that drives us to you. 
• Lastly, this song. The beautiful. These lyrics have been life giving, truth speaking, and hopeful to me in the crazy moments of life. “You have called me higher, you have called me deeper, I will go where you lead me”…For me and my family it's here. It's Baltimore. Now all he wants is for me to continue to trust him. **As I was writing my thoughts from the past couple weeks I was listening to this song and it brought me to tears yet again. "I could hold onto who I am and never let you change me from the inside", "I could just stay right here and hope to feel you, hope to feel something again." I resonate with these words more than I realized.**

Called me Higher---All Sons and Daughters

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness
Hope to feel Your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me

And I will be Yours, oh
I will be Yours for all my life
So let Your mercy light the path before me

Cause You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
[x4]

Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord