So the other
day I had a Twilight Zone moment as a parent. I was taking my two children to
Aldi for a quick trip before dinner. It was 1. To get out of the house 2. We
needed groceries.
So on our
way my almost 2 year old decides running around the yard in the opposite
direction was the best way to go. Being in somewhat of a time constraint I wasn’t
amused or patient. I ended up chasing her and dragging her kicking and
screaming into the car. She screamed most of the way there *about 15minutes.
Once at Aldi she is fine though. Absolutely joyful and sweet.
Enter my preschooler. He has been really awesome
and obedient up until this point. And then something snapped in him and as we
get out of the car he decides it is NOT what he wants to do. So he refuses to
go inside. I am on my last leg and getting closer to our “we don’t have time
for this” window. We did have time for a wee meltdown, but I don’t talk him through
it I simply put one kid on my left hip and my screaming and kicking 4 year old,
was grabbed by my left hand and my right hand. So you can imagine it was quite
a scene to observe. (I suppose this is why I get told “You have your hands full”
all the time! I literally did have my hands full.) So we made it passed the
parking lot and on-coming traffic. We made it to the curb in front of the store
where I promptly fell, twisting my left ankle. So there we sit. One child on
one knee and one child on the other knee (still screaming by the way). There were some Indian girls with “We need
money—insert a sad story here—“ sign. They kept asking me if I was ok. They
were the only ones. I really felt like the man who was robbed from the Good
Samaritan story. I sat there for a few minutes until I could try to walk on my
ankle again. Luckily I was able to walk and therefore I limped my way through
Aldi. In the meantime my melting down child got distracted by a flashlight I
found in the diaper bag.
I wish I
could say these types of stories where not the norm, and though this one was an
extreme case *like me hurting myself. It happens a lot. Sometimes the meltdowns
last longer than the few minutes it took to walk the parking lot and recover
from my injury. It’s hard not to lose it myself. I admit I have “lost it” many
times!
The tears (on both ends—me and the kids!), the
tantrums that follow, and the feeling of being out of control (probably because
you are!) It feels like an attack against me as a parent. Obviously I’m not a
good parent because my child loses control and doesn’t obey, right?!? Wrong.
Very wrong indeed. So as I process through these crazy moments with little ones,
I feel the need to write out some things that have helped me along the way…
**Disclaimer:
I don’t claim to know everything (or much!) about parenting! Please understand that
this blog is for ME and my way to process how I am finding my sanity again as a
parent.
Things that
have helped me:
- Schedules—each day may be different and sometimes our mornings are simply putting stickers all over the house but having a plan for a morning schedule has made a difference. (Not TV time here!) I am learning in the city there is usually some free activity for children under 5 that we can do each day. Some being at libraries, some at community centers nearby, some at local Barnes ‘N Nobles or malls. One thing I found that has been invaluable to me is a mom support group at a nearby church. This is 2 hours that I get without my kids to talk to other moms and enjoy some coffee, snacks and community. I have found FREEDOM in making these things a priority and baring no fevers or being out of town—we go!
- Consistency with my rules—I really KNOW this and have attempted to do this since being a parent, but I have to admit since leaving our secure home to move to the city (Which was in May of this year, about 6 months ago) has thrown off my foundation (as well as family time with my husband around, he is usually what helps in grounding me!). So I have given in to my children more than I used to in attempts at keeping the peace and keeping my sanity. It back-fired. There have been more tantrums and more insanity on my part. So I reflect on what’s wrong. Oh right… CONSISTENCY!! And I find freedom in it yet again. And so do my kids. They learn *as they should that disobedience equals consequence and tantrums do not give you what you want. So we struggle through getting back on track but so much sanity and peace is coming my way and I’m giddy about it!
- Not flipping out when my kids do—this one is sooo tough for me because I get so emotionally and physically drained with tantrums and “fights” all. day. long… But I remembered the other day when my son was having a meltdown---I don’t have to struggle WITH him too. So I stepped back and repeated what rule he broke and what the consequence was. AND then I did the ground-breaking thing. I GAVE him the consequence and I stepped away. If the rule was broken again. Verbal reminder before consequence. Put this on repeat for I don’t know 5 times? 10? Sometimes less…and eventually there is peace. Eventually. And now I don’t feel quite as crazy. Not quite. (In public we have to shift the consequences around or postpone them, but I still go out despite there being screaming or meltdowns in the library or at Target or Aldi!) Life still happens even when I get stared down by Granny from the other aisle and I need to have that chance to get out of the house even if it’s crazy stressful and exhausting.
- There is NO use comparing!!! “I have it so much worse than ______ or oh just wait until you have to deal with __________”. Just STOP. Don’t even go there! Every kid has their moments. Even Mary Poppins’ kids. My kids I believe for my family have had more bad “moments” since we moved to Baltimore than the culmination of their lives *mostly due to my sorting it all out etc... But the shift in my heart and my parenting is saving all of us in the long run. It’s happening now. It’s not going to be perfect, I will make mistakes. I will. Tomorrow (or this afternoon, or in 30 minutes, or hey 10 minutes…) is new. Start again.
- Please ask for help. I don’t care where you came from or who you are. You get overwhelmed, tired, frustrated etc… Ask. Whether it’s prayer support from friends or family wherever they are or asking local friends (or if you have family close—AMEN!) to come spend an hour to two with you to ‘help’ with the madness or give you a coffee break from it… Sometimes I struggle with this. Ok I admit, most of the time I struggle with this! AND I still have to figure out exactly HOW to do it. But so many moms suffer in silence. Don’t! Get support somewhere; you’re not alone in some aspects of this. Don’t suffer in silence.
- Some TV is okay. I mean really. In those moments of trying to make dinner or having a quiet moment while one of them naps. I do put a show or two on for the kids. Granted I need to limit how much, and some sick days mean more TV time…but hey I wasn’t scarred by that as a kid and it’s the best way to help their bodies rest and heal… I have learned though, in the midst of keeping the peace with my downstairs neighbor and finding sanity while cooking/cleaning, there IS too much TV. I need to help my children be whole and creative without going too far in the TV world. It’s possible! Our morning activities and playgroups help so much!
Also,
remember: **Disclaimer: I don’t claim to know
everything (or much!) about parenting! Please understand that this blog is for
ME and my way to process how I am finding my sanity again as a parent.
