I Just Want to Be OK: My Journey towards Hope

So this year has been very tough for me. Here are a few of the "reasons": Playing catch-up with finances and never quite feeling out of the red. Kids going through their challenging stages of toddler/pre-schooler—the terrible two’s and three’s so to speak. One turned four and got better when the other one turned two and we’re back there again. Soooo, it’s also good birth control for me to stop growing this family! Ha! It doesn’t help that Aaron is gone from 9:30-8:15 every day (ends up being that long because of his commute).

I'm adjusting to a lack of friends to hang out with during the day. In SC, I was immersed in a few groups of ladies that I could depend on for support not only during the day with my kids, but at night for coffee or just hanging out “dates”. Here in Baltimore though we are starting this community thing—we also have our own families and at night I want to hang out with my husband since I don’t see him much during the day... It just takes time to find a niche of friends, the round-about kind of friends that just already know you—that you don’t have to “work” to hang out. I still have a bit more journeying and discovering friends here---but I do have a few and that helps. I kinda like having a bit more than a "few"...but that will come in time.

This year I also lost my G’mama. She was my last grandparent. It was a blow on one hand, but also something that had been building a bit…and a real sense of release for her (and for us). Now she has no more pain. Now she is free. I have something I am writing to her---of the things I wish and the things I loved--it's not ready to be shared yet.

I could probably go on and on about particulars of my day to day that have made this year difficult, but it becomes just details at this point. There aren’t huge humps or bumps—just life. Regular stuff that goes with moving to a “foreign” place to me. Very different culture *one that I do appreciate and enjoy actually…*

…for all the "reasons"---when I think about them, they seem a bit miniscule compared to my friends that have cancer or my friends' children with major heart conditions etc... So whatever the "reasons" -- this was my year that I lost. I lost hope.  I lost a real sense of purpose for my life. I lost a real connection with my savior...and as it turns out, of all the things to lose HOPE  is a pretty big one. It sort of gives you a reason to keep going. Something to go toward. There is real freedom in hope. Therefore life without hope is....well...hopeless (for lack of a better word). I think the hardest part of this journey was the discovery that I didn't have hope anymore--that was the darkest part. I had been on a search for my year word (something I've been doing instead of New Year's Resolutions---a focus if you will on ONE WORD). Last year it was abide. And this year it took me a couple of weeks. I was trying to isolate what the core of my heart was saying. What my God was saying to me about "my word". And then it came to me. HOPE. It was sort of that moment for me where it all came together. For all those nights I cried myself to sleep. For all those moments of anger that I didn't understand. For all the outbursts over a messy house  or stubbing my toe/leg/arm etc on the wall/table/corner/bed...HA! It was the moment when I realized it's the thing I lost this year, and God wants it back--he wants to give it back to me.   It's ironic that that was the moment I realized I had lost hope at the same time that I found it. Because my losing hope was helping me rediscover it. So that's where I am now. 3 months into my Hope journey and I find it growing in me more and more---each day there is a new HOPE within me. I'm finding that I want it. I see how much I need it now. The days I start crying for "no reason", and have outbursts about______________, those are the days I realize something is slipping, some hope it trying to escape. It's a good reminder for me and my heart to reconnect with Jesus and cry to him---or yell at him whatever the emotion I'm feeling because on this journey he is the one to help. Can't imagine trying to do this alone. Even if "alone" means I have my family... without Jesus to hold us, we would be in a constant state of panic and despair. It's fun actually, this rediscover of hope. I find it in the little places. Like a loving hug from my child, or a song that touches my heart. I find in conversations that are real. And in being real myself. I find it in worship and sometimes in the most random Pandora song.

This last thought I want to share is the song God used to show how hopeless I was. It's a fun song, but it's sad in elements. AND it made me cry--the kind of cry that shakes your shoulders and makes your breathing erratic. It made me cry because it was what I wanted in that moment--"to be okay". It's exciting because I know I will be.
*Click on "to be okay" for link to the song: "I Just Want to be OK" by Ingrid Michaelson*

Twilight Zone Parenting and thoughts on the other side...

So the other day I had a Twilight Zone moment as a parent. I was taking my two children to Aldi for a quick trip before dinner. It was 1. To get out of the house 2. We needed groceries.

So on our way my almost 2 year old decides running around the yard in the opposite direction was the best way to go. Being in somewhat of a time constraint I wasn’t amused or patient. I ended up chasing her and dragging her kicking and screaming into the car. She screamed most of the way there *about 15minutes. Once at Aldi she is fine though. Absolutely joyful and sweet.   

Enter my preschooler. He has been really awesome and obedient up until this point. And then something snapped in him and as we get out of the car he decides it is NOT what he wants to do. So he refuses to go inside. I am on my last leg and getting closer to our “we don’t have time for this” window. We did have time for a wee meltdown, but I don’t talk him through it I simply put one kid on my left hip and my screaming and kicking 4 year old, was grabbed by my left hand and my right hand. So you can imagine it was quite a scene to observe. (I suppose this is why I get told “You have your hands full” all the time! I literally did have my hands full.) So we made it passed the parking lot and on-coming traffic. We made it to the curb in front of the store where I promptly fell, twisting my left ankle. So there we sit. One child on one knee and one child on the other knee (still screaming by the way).  There were some Indian girls with “We need money—insert a sad story here—“ sign. They kept asking me if I was ok. They were the only ones. I really felt like the man who was robbed from the Good Samaritan story. I sat there for a few minutes until I could try to walk on my ankle again. Luckily I was able to walk and therefore I limped my way through Aldi. In the meantime my melting down child got distracted by a flashlight I found in the diaper bag.   

I wish I could say these types of stories where not the norm, and though this one was an extreme case *like me hurting myself. It happens a lot. Sometimes the meltdowns last longer than the few minutes it took to walk the parking lot and recover from my injury. It’s hard not to lose it myself. I admit I have “lost it” many times!

  

The tears (on both ends—me and the kids!), the tantrums that follow, and the feeling of being out of control (probably because you are!) It feels like an attack against me as a parent. Obviously I’m not a good parent because my child loses control and doesn’t obey, right?!? Wrong. Very wrong indeed. So as I process through these crazy moments with little ones, I feel the need to write out some things that have helped me along the way…

**Disclaimer: I don’t claim to know everything (or much!) about parenting! Please understand that this blog is for ME and my way to process how I am finding my sanity again as a parent.

Things that have helped me:

• Schedules—each day may be different and sometimes our mornings are simply putting stickers all over the house but having a plan for a morning schedule has made a difference. (Not TV time here!) I am learning in the city there is usually some free activity for children under 5 that we can do each day. Some being at libraries, some at community centers nearby, some at local Barnes ‘N Nobles or malls. One thing I found that has been invaluable to me is a mom support group at a nearby church. This is 2 hours that I get without my kids to talk to other moms and enjoy some coffee, snacks and community. I have found FREEDOM in making these things a priority and baring no fevers or being out of town—we go!

• Consistency with my rules—I really KNOW this and have attempted to do this since being a parent, but I have to admit since leaving our secure home to move to the city (Which was in May of this year, about 6 months ago) has thrown off my foundation (as well as family time with my husband around, he is usually what helps in grounding me!). So I have given in to my children more than I used to in attempts at keeping the peace and keeping my sanity. It back-fired. There have been more tantrums and more insanity on my part. So I reflect on what’s wrong. Oh right… CONSISTENCY!! And I find freedom in it yet again. And so do my kids. They learn *as they should that disobedience equals consequence and tantrums do not give you what you want. So we struggle through getting back on track but so much sanity and peace is coming my way and I’m giddy about it!  

• Not flipping out when my kids do—this one is sooo tough for me because I get so emotionally and physically drained with tantrums and “fights” all. day. long… But I remembered the other day when my son was having a meltdown---I don’t have to struggle WITH him too. So I stepped back and repeated what rule he broke and what the consequence was. AND then I did the ground-breaking thing. I GAVE him the consequence and I stepped away. If the rule was broken again. Verbal reminder before consequence. Put this on repeat for I don’t know 5 times? 10? Sometimes less…and eventually there is peace. Eventually. And now I don’t feel quite as crazy. Not quite. (In public we have to shift the consequences around or postpone them, but I still go out despite there being screaming or meltdowns in the library or at Target or Aldi!) Life still happens even when I get stared down by Granny from the other aisle and I need to have that chance to get out of the house even if it’s crazy stressful and exhausting.  

• There is NO use comparing!!! “I have it so much worse than ______ or oh just wait until you have to deal with __________”. Just STOP. Don’t even go there! Every kid has their moments. Even Mary Poppins’ kids. My kids I believe for my family have had more bad “moments” since we moved to Baltimore than the culmination of their lives *mostly due to my sorting it all out etc... But the shift in my heart and my parenting is saving all of us in the long run. It’s happening now. It’s not going to be perfect, I will make mistakes. I will. Tomorrow (or this afternoon, or in 30 minutes, or hey 10 minutes…) is new. Start again.

• Please ask for help. I don’t care where you came from or who you are. You get overwhelmed, tired, frustrated etc… Ask. Whether it’s prayer support from friends or family wherever they are or asking local friends (or if you have family close—AMEN!) to come spend an hour to two with you to ‘help’ with the madness or give you a coffee break from it… Sometimes I struggle with this. Ok I admit, most of the time I struggle with this! AND I still have to figure out exactly HOW to do it. But so many moms suffer in silence. Don’t! Get support somewhere; you’re not alone in some aspects of this. Don’t suffer in silence.

• Some TV is okay. I mean really. In those moments of trying to make dinner or having a quiet moment while one of them naps. I do put a show or two on for the kids. Granted I need to limit how much, and some sick days mean more TV time…but hey I wasn’t scarred by that as a kid and it’s the best way to help their bodies rest and heal… I have learned though, in the midst of keeping the peace with my downstairs neighbor and finding sanity while cooking/cleaning, there IS too much TV. I need to help my children be whole and creative without going too far in the TV world.  It’s possible! Our morning activities and playgroups help so much!

Also, remember: **Disclaimer: I don’t claim to know everything (or much!) about parenting! Please understand that this blog is for ME and my way to process how I am finding my sanity again as a parent.

Raw Emotions

Life in my own skin has been emotional lately with the recent death of my Grandmother, visiting my old home in South Carolina and seeing my dear friends that are suffering and really struggling through life---whether due to diseases of sorts or depression or brokenness and life without real community. I have been raw to say the least. Small things setting me off to tears. The kind that doesn't stop right away… The kind that I either begin in the midst of a conversation or have to leave a room. It’s hard for me and feels wrong. Mostly because it is very hard being vulnerable---I feel emotionally stripped and naked. This week I discovered my rawness is a gift. It’s forced me to deal with emotions that have been inside for months.  For me who tends to stuff emotions and avoid sadness at all cost, I have found it freeing to cry, to really cry. Though it is still really hard to cry in front of others---sometimes I’m “forced” into it---My preference is always to cry alone. Not sure why. I guess it feels “safer”. This week I discovered crying in front of others can be a gift for me and sometimes for the friend I am showing my heart to. 

I guess it makes sense that crying helps with grief. It lets out all the emotion you have inside and in my case helps bring closure. The thing that I loved most about this week was in my grief and sadness I cried out to Jesus for a while. I cried to him for my friends, for my own kids, for my family in Christ that is so very broken. I was only able to sleep after I cried and prayed it out to Him. 

This week in SC wasn’t all about crying though, there was definitely laughing and fun connections. I enjoy my friends. I enjoy mostly that they’re the type of friends that I can catch up with at any point in life and we jump back in. Update and go. Good to know since I suspect it’ll be years before we take another trip down there. 

The biggest change in coming back home to Baltimore. Peace. I have found peace. I haven't felt as sad and lonely---maybe because I got lots of people time in last week. Maybe because I spent several days just simply crying in SC, letting go/healing/finding closure. Maybe it’s just temporary and the peace will leave soon...But I’m hoping it’s because I see my future here in Baltimore. I see my kids growing up here. I see our future and our community that is growing closer and I feel blessed.

This “peace” isn’t to say I didn’t get angry at my kids today. I did. But I kissed their ouchies and hugged them when they cried. I spoke harshly to them when they did something wrong and punished them if it continued. Bit by bit I see the hard work of raising my kids come through when I see their sweet faces say thank you or please. When they attempt to do something wrong and stop. When they look at me and say “I love you mom” or in Katherine’s case “uh-vu” and it makes me happy. How much more must our Father feel when he sees us? I cannot even imagine the joy HE must experience with us. My heart is full and so satisfied in him. But not without lots of tears shed because that’s me being real. That’s me giving him my raw emotions. And it’s beautiful. (*seriously click on the link attached to "beautiful". It's a favorite song!)

 

Life: The Good, the Bad and the Beautiful

I've been thinking a lot about this blog. How to organize my thoughts, how to "say" what I wanted. I originally thought I would make a compare and contrast list. Things my life is vs. Things my life isn't. When I started writing, it became something else. More Compare/Contrast with the Good and Bad parts of my life and how both are beautiful. The Good gives me hope, but the bad keeps me trusting in Him. The "bad" keeps me relying and seeking him. I realize that my bad right now feels much more than it actually is. We aren't really struggling THAT bad. Though we are struggling. I don't want this blog to be a sugar coated thing. Life sometimes sucks and that's actually OK. It's OK mostly because it means I have a lot to vent to my husband and my God and thus bring us all together. Sometimes crying, sometimes kneeling. But hopefully always honest.  So here is my list. It's an ever changing thing but it's a list to show me how God is growing me in this journey. 

• I’m not afraid of where I live. I feel safe and secure actually. This is a big deal because I live in the city of Baltimore. I thought I would be unsafe much less feel unsafe. We're on a fairly quiet street that isn't busy. It's a quiet apartment building. 
• For the most part. I am stressed quickly about little things that feel big. I find myself at my "snapping point" much much much quicker than most of my parenting years. With my children running in opposite directions sometimes towards the street. It makes me edgy and yeah I yell at them to obey and come. And sometimes a spanking or denial of freedoms commence. 
• I have literally had this sick feeling in my stomach for the past month and a half. Usually brought on by stress. For some examples: neighbor’s banging on their ceiling b-c my kids are stepping too loudly, kids’ tantrums being fully in swing which result in them THROWING items or themselves down hard on the floor,  teaching Shane to “sneak” or “walk quietly” in the apartment, nighttime weaning’s for Kat=lots of crying for about a week. 
• So there's been a lot of acting out on my kids part. There's been reacting on my part. Luckily there has also been a revelation that it's I who needs to change in this equation. Yeah discipline is important, but reactionary disciplining is not effective. So now I am seeing where quality play time with my kids is what is lacking. It's preventive sometimes. and though there are tantrums that still happen. And discipline still happens as a result. It feels less because I am finding freedom as a parent to have fun with them and let the house go some... which leads to... 
• I am learning to “be”, not “do”. To stop stressing about having a perfectly clean house and actually sit with my kids and read them a story, build a tower out of blocks, walk to the park. So yeah my kitchen isn’t always clean, and I don’t make my bed most days, the floor is a guaranteed mess (*which also can cause me stress if I let it.) But freedom in living life with my little ones has helped me let go. In those mothering moments where I feel crazy and want to pull my hair out. It’s those moments my kids need quality time with me.  I am learning to sacrifice a little peace in my life for their fun. 
• In the moments where stress overtakes me well sometimes I cry, sometimes I scream unnecessarily at my children, and sometimes I check out and don’t deal. I'm in a new city and I miss my friends and my comfort of suburban living. I do. I'm lonely. I realize it. I tend to go slightly more "into" my head during major change. I also think it's how I process. It's how I learn or grow in this shift. 
• This "bad" has been the best thing for me and my husband. We have felt this desperation for God that has pulled us in closer to our Father. We have decided to spend time talking to God TOGETHER. Sitting down and taking time each night to pray with my husband has made each stressful moment worth it. Because pain drives us to Christ and now we are finally doing something that I have wished for since the early parts of our marriage. So, thank you Jesus for this painful time that drives us to you. 
• Lastly, this song. The beautiful. These lyrics have been life giving, truth speaking, and hopeful to me in the crazy moments of life. “You have called me higher, you have called me deeper, I will go where you lead me”…For me and my family it's here. It's Baltimore. Now all he wants is for me to continue to trust him. **As I was writing my thoughts from the past couple weeks I was listening to this song and it brought me to tears yet again. "I could hold onto who I am and never let you change me from the inside", "I could just stay right here and hope to feel you, hope to feel something again." I resonate with these words more than I realized.**

Called me Higher---All Sons and Daughters

I could just sit
I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness
Hope to feel Your presence
And I could just stay
I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You
Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me

And I will be Yours, oh
I will be Yours for all my life
So let Your mercy light the path before me

Cause You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
[x4]

Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord