Life in my own skin has been emotional lately with the recent death of my Grandmother, visiting my old home in South Carolina and seeing my dear friends that are suffering and really struggling through life---whether due to diseases of sorts or depression or brokenness and life without real community. I have been raw to say the least. Small things setting me off to tears. The kind that doesn't stop right away… The kind that I either begin in the midst of a conversation or have to leave a room. It’s hard for me and feels wrong. Mostly because it is very hard being vulnerable---I feel emotionally stripped and naked. This week I discovered my rawness is a gift. It’s forced me to deal with emotions that have been inside for months. For me who tends to stuff emotions and avoid sadness at all cost, I have found it freeing to cry, to really cry. Though it is still really hard to cry in front of others---sometimes I’m “forced” into it---My preference is always to cry alone. Not sure why. I guess it feels “safer”. This week I discovered crying in front of others can be a gift for me and sometimes for the friend I am showing my heart to.
I guess it makes sense that crying helps with grief. It lets out all the emotion you have inside and in my case helps bring closure. The thing that I loved most about this week was in my grief and sadness I cried out to Jesus for a while. I cried to him for my friends, for my own kids, for my family in Christ that is so very broken. I was only able to sleep after I cried and prayed it out to Him.
This week in SC wasn’t all about crying though, there was definitely laughing and fun connections. I enjoy my friends. I enjoy mostly that they’re the type of friends that I can catch up with at any point in life and we jump back in. Update and go. Good to know since I suspect it’ll be years before we take another trip down there.
The biggest change in coming back home to Baltimore. Peace. I have found peace. I haven't felt as sad and lonely---maybe because I got lots of people time in last week. Maybe because I spent several days just simply crying in SC, letting go/healing/finding closure. Maybe it’s just temporary and the peace will leave soon...But I’m hoping it’s because I see my future here in Baltimore. I see my kids growing up here. I see our future and our community that is growing closer and I feel blessed.
This “peace” isn’t to say I didn’t get angry at my kids today. I did. But I kissed their ouchies and hugged them when they cried. I spoke harshly to them when they did something wrong and punished them if it continued. Bit by bit I see the hard work of raising my kids come through when I see their sweet faces say thank you or please. When they attempt to do something wrong and stop. When they look at me and say “I love you mom” or in Katherine’s case “uh-vu” and it makes me happy. How much more must our Father feel when he sees us? I cannot even imagine the joy HE must experience with us. My heart is full and so satisfied in him. But not without lots of tears shed because that’s me being real. That’s me giving him my raw emotions. And it’s beautiful. (*seriously click on the link attached to "beautiful". It's a favorite song!)
